I think I'm going to stop writing on here for good. Just a thought.

EDIT
I got a new name instead. It's little_boy_blues.

I wish that I was an animal. Animals don't have romantic ties with each other, so therefore they would never have any trouble in that department. I would really love that. No more stress or hurt or heartache. Yes, I'm happy for the people that have someone special in their lives, but sometimes I just want to shoot them, you know? They're not trying to rub it in your face that they have a significant other and you don't, but it sure feels that it's being smushed so hard into your face that your suffocating. It doesn't bug me that I'm single when I don't have feelings for someone, but then when I do, and they're strong feelings, I just get so depressed. That's how it's been lately... and I can say right now that this is why I'm so sensitive about anything that has to do with dating and such.
For an example, when someone gets kissed by another and they have a girlfriend, *cough cough* I get upset knowing that they have something that I don't, and they get more. I thought I was jealous at first, but then I realized that I didn't get the same feelings I feel when I am actually jealous. It's like I get angry at that person for even risking what they have, even if it's not they're fault.

Everything is just getting on my nerves lately and nothing is making me happy. I... gah... I don't know what's going in my head. I never really did, but everyday is just keeps getting worse and worse.
I'm more worried about how I'm treating others, though. I worry that I'm taking out all my frustrations and pain on the people I love most, and it kills me to know that I'm being so cruel to them. It feels as though I can stop myself once I get started. I know right before I start going off that I'm going to do this and I shouldn't but I just can't help it. Sometimes I try to just be alone while I'm like this, but I don't even realize when I'm like this, usually. Either that, or I feel that if I am alone, I'm going to do something stupid, so I have to choose between being a bitch to the people I love, or being alone and doing something I promised I wouldn't.

"All I wanna do is sleep, because it doesn't hurt when I can't think of you..."

I went to see Doom today. It was A LOT better than I thought it was going to be; mostly due to the fact I don't think The Rock can act. He did okay, though, which I'm glad of, because it would have ruined the movie otherwise.

I am so unbelievably stressed from school right now. I have a very large amount of tests to make up next week since I couldn't take them this week, since we learned the material the week before, which was when I was out. *sigh* I hate missing school... it's so hard to make up.
I had to take two Spanish quizzes on Wednesday since I missed them on the Friday I was out, and I bombed one of them with a 29. How pathetic is that? My Spanish teacher ended up taking me over to the side and telling me I could retake it since I did so poorly, and it seems I got the vocabulary the day before I got sick, so I pretty much never got to go over it. I was so glad when she said she's let me retake it... so glad.
So, overall, I have a huge science test, English test, Spanish quiz, and math test to make up this upcoming week. I am not pleased with this at all; I hate getting punished for things that aren't my fault, like me getting sick. Mr, stupid immune system.

You know what I really hate? When people go out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable or horrible. Like my brother for instance; it was him who asked my dad to go to the movies to see Doom with him and some of my friends. And my dad, not wanting me to feel left out, asked me. So the whole time we were heading to the theatre, he kept on saying things to make it clear he didn't want me there. I mean, it's bad enough to go to the movies with a bunch of people you barely know and be called "Chuck's sister" the whole time, but then for your brother to keep on saying how he doesn't want you there makes it ten times worse.

It's like I'm never good enough for anyone anymore. Anyone could easily replace me in any aspect of anyone's life, and it wouldn't matter and the people wouldn't care. What use am I? I feel like there's nothing in this world that is better because of me... that I changed someone or something for the good. I'm so tired of feeling like this; of always needing proof that people want and need me in my life. Honestly, there's only four people in this world that I can think of that I believe truly want me in their lives. Four. Out of how many? Exactly. My mom, Kiaya, Sam, and Matt. I feel like nothing special to anyone else, and I guess that's why I'm such a bitch to everyone else... because it's like it doesn't matter anyway... they don't need me. Ugh, I just hate myself. It doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever of why I'm the way I am.

I wish I was different, but it's just not going to happen. I try to be a better person, but it seems that no matter what I do, I'm always going to be the same, and I'm never going to make a difference. I hate this so much.

"Those who wonder are not always lost.....just searching for meaning."

10 Random Things About Me:
1. I'm a huge teacher's pet.
2. Blood turns me on.
3. Silverfish scare the hell out of me.
4. Music can change my mood in a millisecond.
5. I love the sky.
6. I have a weird obsession with hand-sanitizer.
7. People influence my likes and dislikes but I hate to admit it.
8. I'm afraid of being left by the people I love.
9. I'll hurt you before you can hurt me.
10. Everyone calls me a hippie.
9 Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Have an amazing sense of humor.
2. Listen to me.
3. Have your own opinions.
4. Don't be a conformist.
5. Never, ever lie to me.
6. Look into my eyes.
7. Don't freak out when I cry.
8. Be there for me when I need you.
9. Don't leave me.
8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Travel.
2. Finally be happy.
3. Act professionally.
4. Face my fears.
5. Live my life.
6. Stop hating myself.
7. Tell everyone the truth about myself.
8. Accept reality.
7 Things I Wish I Was:
1. Less dramatic.
2. Prettier.
3. Less stubborn/closed-minded.
4. Nicer.
5. A better writer.
6. More confident.
7. Less annoying.
6 Things That Piss Me Off:
1. Ignorance
2. Religion/Religious fanatics.
3. People in general.
4. People who think themselves godly.
5. Mimicking.
6. People who just want to get laid.
5 Things I'm Afraid Of:
1. Failing.
2. Being alone.
3. Needles.
4. Not being good enough.
5. Love.
4 Favorite Items In My Room:
1. My bed.
2. My music.
3. My stuffed animals.
4. My box of memories.
3 Things I Do Everyday:
1. Hate myself at one point or another.
2. Wish I was somewhere else.
3. Bite my nails.
2 Things I Need To Do Right Now:
1. Start the shitload of schoolwork I have.
2. Chores.
1 Person I Want To See Right Now:
1. Zephyr, as usual.

It's really hard to accept the fact that things won't ever work out the way you want them to. Ever. I keep on thinking that the longer I put off realizing this, that the easier it will be for me to get through it. I know that's stupid to think; if I was someone else and I was looking at how I cope with things... I'd be scoffing right about now.

You know, I really thought that I would never risk a friendship for a relationship... but I just can't live like that; always wondering what could have happened between us. I know that if I look back one, five, ten years from now, I'll always have the "what ifs" looming in the back of my mind. I don't want that; I want to go through life with no regrets, doing what I want to do; never ignoring how I feel... but how can I do that when the other person refuses to take that risk? Refuses to even say if they have feelings for me back, because they can't bear the thought of ruining our friendship. Yes, well maybe we are giving up our friendship... but we could be getting something that means even more than our friendship did, or ever could.

I just don't understand how someone can leave behind something like this... something that could give them so much happiness just because they're afraid. I'm always scared... scared of being hurt again and again, of being left, being forgotten; I believe I have more fear than ninety percent of the population... but I just can't let that overtake my life anymore. I've let it destroy so many of my relationships, and sometimes it still does, and I just don't want it to wreck this one. And, of course, the one time I'm brave enough to get over my fear, the other person isn't. I'm just so... *sigh*